Your Time to Shine

I am loving this corner that I found myself in. From the side lines where I sit, I’m loving watching you get bigger and prouder, grow tough scales and learn to breathe fire.

You see, in the almost-six years that we’ve been together, I’ve seen you at your worst. But I have always believed that at your best, you could change the world.

I cannot tell you how proud I am of what you have achieved. There can be no greater enemy than one’s self, which is why there can be no sweeter victory than the triumph over one’s own demons. But I’m not surprised because I have seen this coming. I’ve had faith in you, long before you started believing in yourself.

Okay. This is as far as the drama gets. From this point on, let us celebrate. It’s your time to shine, so here’s to more, sweeter, bigger conquests ahead as you revel in your moment.

Trainspotting and Trainlistening

June 18 started out as an unassuming day. I went to work, called Ronald from the office, and chatted with him about how the day was unfolding and how we wanted to conclude it. We were supposed to meet and buy stuff for the house after work. The plan was to catch up in the middle of the Alabang-Zapote road, in that mall that has it all so I could leave the office and he could step out of his house at the same time and we could get there at the same time, too.

And then he asked me if I had heard Train's song, "Hey, Soul Sister." He said it was his song-of-the-moment for me. I said "no," but I would Google it. I did, and loved the song in the same measure that I loved "Drops of Jupiter."

At some point before work ended, Ronald decided he would just go and fetch me. Daddy came home early and so we had Nolly Navara all to ourselves.

So there. He showed up downstairs at 6 p.m.-ish, and we left. At the last minute, we decided to go to ATC, have dinner first and go house-stuff-shopping later. As we were walking to the Food Court, we heard someone playing in the middle of the mall. It must be some Korean boy band, we thought. When we inched closer to the railings on the second floor, imagine how surprised we were when we found out it was Train.

So we stayed behind until they played "Hey, Soul Sister" and "Drops of Jupiter". And we left to eat dinner when people were lining up already for Pat's autograph and to have their pictures taken with the entire band.

It was a blast. And I have been Trainlistening since then.

Ronald asked me last week if I had heard their song "Marry Me." He loaded it in my iPod and I've had it in my playlist since then. He said that was his song-of-the-moment this time for me.

Six Birthdays and a Lifetime

It feels like it wasn't so long ago when Ronald and I were sitting next to each other in a gazebo at the back of Tuna Deli -- that now-crappy bar that we used to love going to. We were celebrating his birthday night together, drinking, while the rest of his family prayed that his sister from Down Under safely deliver her first baby girl.

Sophia turns six today. Tempus fugit.

Six birthdays, five years and two months together, a slew of (mis)adventures that shaped our relationship. Like a diamond perfected from the rough. It's not the smoothest there is. There are bumps and sharp corners and some unpolished surfaces. But I guess the best thing about it is that we love all beauty and the imperfections in equal measure. We have learned to appreciate the best in each other, and handle the worst, so that at the end of the day, we remain whole and sane and looking forward to what lies for us tomorrow.

Today, I wish him  joy. I wish him  more of the happiness that I see in him each time we stop in our tracks and talk about the "future". I wish to see him light up more frequently, like he does, when he thinks about the house and Tala's books. I wish to spend more birthdays with him and a life full of travels and triumphs in between.

I wish him all the best the life can bring and I can give.

Here's a picture from Ronald's first airplane ride, which is not exactly our first major "flight."

Nothing to write about, writing about nothing

So much has happened since my last post. Unfortunately, I have found that it is hardest to write when the memories have piled up. It becomes challenging to: 1) recall all the memories worth writing about; 2) select which memories to write about; 3) make up an apologia for writing about the things that you wrote about and not writing about the things that you left out.

To keep things simple, here is a mass unloading of the highlights of the past year. I am hoping that catharsis will follow, then the lightness of thoughts and the flowing of words.

1. Bar review and bar exams. The best of times and the worst of times for Ronald and myself. This is the period when we were closest to each other, when we felt each other's strengths and drew strength from each other as well. This period lasted from May to September, but it changed our family's lives forever.

2. Back to work. This is the prize for not burning bridges and working your ass off.

3. Beach-combing. Ronald and I went to Pagudpud to swim and tour. We saw the gigantic windmills and the old lighthouse there, along with the other minor attractions of Ilocos Norte. We also got to eat the best lutong-bahay at Papa Nard's, and got to experience our first 12-hour bus ride.

4. Ronald's first airplane ride. We went to Bohol recently to swim and tour. We see the famed Chocolate Hills and some of the really old churches there, along with the other minor attractions of Bohol. We also got to eat the best buffet at the Floating Restaurant while it floated along the Loboc River. During the plane rides, Ronald's forehead was stuck on the window. In between those drawn-out moments of fascination, Ronald would snap out of it and remind himself to look like plane rides are casual, everyday thing. Priceless.

5. Wedding plans. They are starting to shape up.

6. Bar results. Oh, I passed pala. And I cried the night Kaye called to tell me. It felt like the Niagara rushing through a burst dam. All the years of hard work, sleepless nights, burning the midnight oil along with my kilay, stressessessess, and juggling work, school and family were sucked into a whirlpool. And then I breathed easier after.

7. New life in my old work. I am happy. Ronald always reminds me that things are starting to look up, and that life is going to be better from hereon. And I am starting to believe him.

Now that I am in the here and now, here are the things to look forward to:

1. Ronald is graduating from law school. In my mind, I can see myself in that seat in PICC, beside Mommy and Daddy, looking puffed and proud.

2. Ronald's bar review and exam. Ronald doesn't want to talk about this much but I've got his whole bar ops all figured out.

3. Beach trips. We have one coming up shortly. And then we also need to try Coron during sem break. And then a long stay in our Laiya hideaway right after graduation and right before the bar review.

So there. As for this blog, I am looking forward to more energy, drive, sources of inspiration and posts.

Leaving la vida T--a

How does one even begin to say goodbye?

Charing.

I've always associated leaving work with lightness--that feeling of being released finally from the oppressing monotony of a day job and the company of stupid people. This time it's different, maybe because I've been with T--a longer than my longest (and counting) relationship. And I've seen people come and go; go and come back; and come, mess things up, and get fired.

I woke up yesterday to the realization that I actually had seven days--or five days if I want to count out the unpaid weekends--left to work. It's always exciting to have something to look forward to. But as the weekend draws nearer I find that the dread and sadness are catching up fast with the initial excitement.

I don't want to be sad at a time when I should be panicking. Sadness slows you down, makes you lose your momentum, jams your gears and keeps them from turning. I measure time in pages now, such that every hour that I spend away from the book is easily 10 pages lost and unrecoverable.

So tama na ang kahibangang ito.

Maybe early next week when I have closed the gap between Article-where-I'm-at and Article-where-I-should-be, I can grease my gears one last time with the familiar laughter of friends, enough to keep them turning until September ends. 

Nothingness becomes somethingness

Warning: this is also incoherent.

But this is my blog. And I have every right to be as incoherent as I can be. And this being my IP, I have every right to resort to reasonable means to protect this right.

Something's happening to my nothingness of a blog! Kudos to Ronald, who's been having streaks of genius, creativity, inspiration and geekiness in equal parts this past few days. His "condition" has been compelling him to change the face and make tweaks on every blog that he knows the password to.

The facelift has got me writing again. But when I loaded up the page for the first time in weeks, the counter down right caught my attention. I freaked out. Last I remember it said 6 months or something. Now it's 4 months 22 days! Where have I been? Where did the two months go? But every second I'm freaking out is a second lost forever--like a spoken word and its fleeting echo.

Echos.

"Welcome back" post

Warning: this is incoherent.

It feels like forever since my last post. My fingers are nimble but my mind is still cobwebby from the residues of my previous life. You know, life as a full-time student with a full-time job, trying--but failing, sometimes desperately--to be a full-time lover at the same time.

Have you ever found yourself in a cusp? That point where you're ready to leave everything behind and jump off into...nothingness (which happens to be the title of this blog)? In high school, English class, we were asked to do a persuasive speech on any topic that we wanted. My speech was all about death. And my goal was to persuade my audience to not fear death. My premise was that we fear death because we don't know what lies after it. But "not knowing" doesn't mean it's a bad thing. It simply means "not having knowledge," which is actually a neutral thing. And until we know for a fact that death is a dark, devouring place, there is no point in fearing it. But of course, I wasn't convinced myself.

And so, about three weeks ago, while the powers that be were on a round table in school trying to decide the fate of us twenty, I feared the fear that most of us feel with death, which is associated with uncertainty.

But God is good, especially to those who work their asses off. Like the American Idol hopefuls, I leaped with joy when Jean texted that we were through to the next level. The "next level" happens to be tougher than Hollywood week. So I start working my ass off again, positive that my God will be consistently good to me as He has been in my past life.

I wanted to write a paragraph or two about God, too. So here goes... 

In the past few months, I have learned three things that most people probably already know:

1) God moves in mysterious ways.

2) When you feel like your life is all messed up and every day only gets worse than the last, count your blessings.

3) God knows what you need, even if you don't pray.

Needless to say, my life since Lolo Sulping died, has been intense. Like a sponge, it was saturated with troubles that left me like a dried pulp when I fight and squeeze them out. And the troubles came in many different shapes and colors, too. When I think back on it, and try to count my blessings, I say to myself, "At least, they were anything but boring."

But I'm one big piece, and the smaller pieces of me are held together by the realization that all things do pass. Even the grieving for the dead passes and gives rise to a fresh will to live. (Which reminds me, Lola Rosa is alive and probably misses me already. I need to drop by.) Even problems that seem to have no solution at first glance have a way of sorting themselves out. And when all else fails, people like Wish Ko Lang's Vicky Morales do show up to right the wrong or to simply help you to breathe easier. (Right, Be?)

Back again to to the cusp. While I feel the fear of the unknown, I rest with the thought that from where I stand, it looks like things can only get better. I have been wrong about a lot of things, but I hope I'm right this time. But even if I turn out to be wrong, it's going to be okay because God is good. And that's one thing that I can never be wrong about.