"Welcome back" post

Warning: this is incoherent.

It feels like forever since my last post. My fingers are nimble but my mind is still cobwebby from the residues of my previous life. You know, life as a full-time student with a full-time job, trying--but failing, sometimes desperately--to be a full-time lover at the same time.

Have you ever found yourself in a cusp? That point where you're ready to leave everything behind and jump off into...nothingness (which happens to be the title of this blog)? In high school, English class, we were asked to do a persuasive speech on any topic that we wanted. My speech was all about death. And my goal was to persuade my audience to not fear death. My premise was that we fear death because we don't know what lies after it. But "not knowing" doesn't mean it's a bad thing. It simply means "not having knowledge," which is actually a neutral thing. And until we know for a fact that death is a dark, devouring place, there is no point in fearing it. But of course, I wasn't convinced myself.

And so, about three weeks ago, while the powers that be were on a round table in school trying to decide the fate of us twenty, I feared the fear that most of us feel with death, which is associated with uncertainty.

But God is good, especially to those who work their asses off. Like the American Idol hopefuls, I leaped with joy when Jean texted that we were through to the next level. The "next level" happens to be tougher than Hollywood week. So I start working my ass off again, positive that my God will be consistently good to me as He has been in my past life.

I wanted to write a paragraph or two about God, too. So here goes... 

In the past few months, I have learned three things that most people probably already know:

1) God moves in mysterious ways.

2) When you feel like your life is all messed up and every day only gets worse than the last, count your blessings.

3) God knows what you need, even if you don't pray.

Needless to say, my life since Lolo Sulping died, has been intense. Like a sponge, it was saturated with troubles that left me like a dried pulp when I fight and squeeze them out. And the troubles came in many different shapes and colors, too. When I think back on it, and try to count my blessings, I say to myself, "At least, they were anything but boring."

But I'm one big piece, and the smaller pieces of me are held together by the realization that all things do pass. Even the grieving for the dead passes and gives rise to a fresh will to live. (Which reminds me, Lola Rosa is alive and probably misses me already. I need to drop by.) Even problems that seem to have no solution at first glance have a way of sorting themselves out. And when all else fails, people like Wish Ko Lang's Vicky Morales do show up to right the wrong or to simply help you to breathe easier. (Right, Be?)

Back again to to the cusp. While I feel the fear of the unknown, I rest with the thought that from where I stand, it looks like things can only get better. I have been wrong about a lot of things, but I hope I'm right this time. But even if I turn out to be wrong, it's going to be okay because God is good. And that's one thing that I can never be wrong about.