Showing posts with label life lessons. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life lessons. Show all posts

Leaving la vida T--a

How does one even begin to say goodbye?

Charing.

I've always associated leaving work with lightness--that feeling of being released finally from the oppressing monotony of a day job and the company of stupid people. This time it's different, maybe because I've been with T--a longer than my longest (and counting) relationship. And I've seen people come and go; go and come back; and come, mess things up, and get fired.

I woke up yesterday to the realization that I actually had seven days--or five days if I want to count out the unpaid weekends--left to work. It's always exciting to have something to look forward to. But as the weekend draws nearer I find that the dread and sadness are catching up fast with the initial excitement.

I don't want to be sad at a time when I should be panicking. Sadness slows you down, makes you lose your momentum, jams your gears and keeps them from turning. I measure time in pages now, such that every hour that I spend away from the book is easily 10 pages lost and unrecoverable.

So tama na ang kahibangang ito.

Maybe early next week when I have closed the gap between Article-where-I'm-at and Article-where-I-should-be, I can grease my gears one last time with the familiar laughter of friends, enough to keep them turning until September ends. 

"Welcome back" post

Warning: this is incoherent.

It feels like forever since my last post. My fingers are nimble but my mind is still cobwebby from the residues of my previous life. You know, life as a full-time student with a full-time job, trying--but failing, sometimes desperately--to be a full-time lover at the same time.

Have you ever found yourself in a cusp? That point where you're ready to leave everything behind and jump off into...nothingness (which happens to be the title of this blog)? In high school, English class, we were asked to do a persuasive speech on any topic that we wanted. My speech was all about death. And my goal was to persuade my audience to not fear death. My premise was that we fear death because we don't know what lies after it. But "not knowing" doesn't mean it's a bad thing. It simply means "not having knowledge," which is actually a neutral thing. And until we know for a fact that death is a dark, devouring place, there is no point in fearing it. But of course, I wasn't convinced myself.

And so, about three weeks ago, while the powers that be were on a round table in school trying to decide the fate of us twenty, I feared the fear that most of us feel with death, which is associated with uncertainty.

But God is good, especially to those who work their asses off. Like the American Idol hopefuls, I leaped with joy when Jean texted that we were through to the next level. The "next level" happens to be tougher than Hollywood week. So I start working my ass off again, positive that my God will be consistently good to me as He has been in my past life.

I wanted to write a paragraph or two about God, too. So here goes... 

In the past few months, I have learned three things that most people probably already know:

1) God moves in mysterious ways.

2) When you feel like your life is all messed up and every day only gets worse than the last, count your blessings.

3) God knows what you need, even if you don't pray.

Needless to say, my life since Lolo Sulping died, has been intense. Like a sponge, it was saturated with troubles that left me like a dried pulp when I fight and squeeze them out. And the troubles came in many different shapes and colors, too. When I think back on it, and try to count my blessings, I say to myself, "At least, they were anything but boring."

But I'm one big piece, and the smaller pieces of me are held together by the realization that all things do pass. Even the grieving for the dead passes and gives rise to a fresh will to live. (Which reminds me, Lola Rosa is alive and probably misses me already. I need to drop by.) Even problems that seem to have no solution at first glance have a way of sorting themselves out. And when all else fails, people like Wish Ko Lang's Vicky Morales do show up to right the wrong or to simply help you to breathe easier. (Right, Be?)

Back again to to the cusp. While I feel the fear of the unknown, I rest with the thought that from where I stand, it looks like things can only get better. I have been wrong about a lot of things, but I hope I'm right this time. But even if I turn out to be wrong, it's going to be okay because God is good. And that's one thing that I can never be wrong about.

Next question, please

Today is probably the day I got asked about wedding plans the most number of times and in the most number of variations, from the most subtle "Kelan ba kayo lalagay sa tahimik?" to the most blunt "Kelan ba ang kasal?"

I don't know why, but it seems to me that the question is just as inevitable in family gatherings as lechon and leche flan. It's bearable when it's your family gathering. But it becomes a bit awkward when it's his family that asks you such a question that is rightfully his to answer.

I don't really mind, especially because Ronald's family is so flawlessly nice. But it would have been easier if it were a press conference. Because then my press statement could have been: "We do have plans. We are engaged and we have been talking about it. But I just don't have the details to share with you right now." But it's not. And so I've found that the only safe answer that you can give is a sweet smile. (Baka maudlot pa, a la Jolens and Bebong.) It's just that after some time, your jaw starts to tighten up from too much smiling. At this point, I look at Ronald to cue him that it's his turn to smile.

What I have to understand though is why women get that question more often than men do. I guess it has a lot to do with women's biological clocks. I guess women who, like me, are not getting any younger, walk around like ticking time bombs while men, like wine, get better as they age. But it doesn't really bother me, because I plan to age the way Demi Moore and Salma Hayek are doing it.

Back to the big question. At the end of the day, I concede that despite all the wedding queries that I got, it was still Ronald who was the bigger winner of the day. After all, you don't get asked the question by your fiancee's father every day.

Last farewell

I said my last goodbye to Lolo Sulping last night, at about 11:30. With the rest of my family, I stood by the door to the morgue to wait for the funeral parlor people to take him on a stretcher. I wanted to see how he looked one last time, before Rizal Funeral Homes' makeup artists ravaged his face with tons of foundation and lipstick the color of baduy red. In my mind, I thanked him for hanging on as long and as far as he could for us. I told him I was letting him go to rest eternally, because that was the unselfish thing to do.

I love you, Lolo.

Lolo Sulping

At 81, Lolo Sulping is nowhere near the fearless man of the masses that he was in his heyday. He has been bedridden for almost a year now, and has been in and out of the hospital thrice within the last month. Everything about him looks weak. When he breathes, he looks as though he's hanging by a thread. Today, he is restless in his hospital bed. His bright mind and eloquence have given way to gibberish. The spark has left his eyes--those eyes that were so like mine.

When Lolo Sulping was a little boy, his mother Francisca whisked him off and his older brother Manuel from Iloilo to Aklan. Iska wanted a fresh start and a better future for her sons away from their father, who probably wasn't capable of giving them any. Sulping has no memories of his real father. He only knew his last name was Torente. He was raised from infancy by his mother and her second husband.

I imagine him living a happy childhood, running free and wild with Manuel in the fields in Aklan. Manuel would later stay in the province while Sulping would pursue his dreams in the grand city called Manila.

Sulping married young--a decision that seemed reckless at the time but was something that he would never regret for the rest of his life. Rosa, the woman who caught his eye, was a character herself. She was ahead of her time. She was set to be shipped to the States by his father the apple picker to study nursing. But when Sulping got in the way, she defied Lolo Timo and, in a heartbeat, chose life with Sulping over the American dream.

There's a funny story that they often told us during family gatherings. In a last-ditch attempt to save his promising daughter from the poison of love and the clutches of Sulping, Lolo Timo arranged for Rosa to be sent to Aklan, which was also their province. But Sulping was persistent. He bought a ticket for the same trip and hid from Rosa's chaperone all throughout the trip. The moment the ship docked on the pier, Sulping was more determined than ever to see through his pursuit.

Rosa and Sulping brought seven children into the world and saw three of them to their graves in the span of forty years or so. They also took to their wings a little boy, the son of their neighbor who was abandoned by their mother. Years later, the mother would come back for her boy, but they wouldn't give him. To them, he was their eighth child. He was like their palm or the back of their hand.

Much of Sulping's grandest feats happened in Isla de Lata (now a portion of Palanan, Makati), a small town then in the outskirts of urban Makati. Its main industry was the junk shop put up by Sulping, and worked by his neighbors. The place got its name from all the tin cans being crushed there every day.

Sulping was a born leader. And so even before the advent of the modern-day barangays and barangay captains, Sulping lorded it over Isla de Lata as the teniente del barrio. He ruled in a Solomonic way--strict but also very fair. In a town where everyone worked hard for their money, he made sure there was no room for thieves. He also made sure everyone respected women and the elderly. People went to him for justice. And justice was served swiftly in the silong of their house, while the aggrieved are appeased by the perpetrators' muffled cries.

As the years advanced, Sulping's Big Brother role would become more expansive. He was fondly called "Butete". People feared his omniscient, pot-bellied figure. His constituents, who weren't that many, would later legitimize his political ascendancy by electing him to office. He would hold that office in the little corner of Makati for as long as Marcos held the presidency. But Sulping would do greater things than Macoy, and would have his fair share of dealings with personalities who have been immortalized into movies, including Moises Platon and the outlaw "Rose Tattoo".

As the god of that small place, he was also incorruptible. During election times, candidates would come to him to solicit his constituents' block vote. In their attempt to be in Sulping's good graces, they tried to bribe him with money. My father would tell me he would see them come in the house with bagfuls of money. But each time Sulping would turn down their attempts to be in his good graces. He would tell them he would gladly receive cheap shirts that he could give away instead.

In his bid to protect his family and constituents, Sulping would make a lot of enemies. As a young boy, my father would witness a scene straight out of an action movie. One late afternoon, when Sulping was tending to his piggery with his two sons Nolly (my father) and Rex, who were about six and four, respectively, six goons armed with fan knives (the weapon of choice at the time) would charge at him. Sensing danger, Sulping would tuck his sons in a safe corner before facing his attackers. The next 10 or 15 minutes will forever be etched in the memory of my father, who watched in awe and fear as their father ducked, kicked, and hit the assailants, who would later run, leaving Sulping without a single scratch.

Sulping did not tolerate thugs in his territory. As one story goes, the son of a Customs official, who lived in the next street, was playing basketball in the community court when the nephew of Imelda Marcos came with his pack. Because they thought they could, they assaulted the group, and even made sure they were provoked. And when the aggression ensued, the Marcos brat called for security backups. A jeep full of soldiers responded.

The incident led to a shootout right in front of Sulping's house. Sulping was unforgiving of people who disturbed the peace. So when he saw the Customs official's son shot dead by the armed men, he stormed out of the house and crossed the street, unmindful of the shooting spree. At that moment, the dead son's father was rushing to his son's aid. But before he could get to him, he, too, was shot by one of the armed men. In a fierce moment, Sulping took a flower pot and hit the man with it. Before the villain could finish off his next victim, Sulping fearlessly grabbed the armalight off his hands and succeeded in disarming him. He drove the rest of them away at the point of their own gun.

That was the time when the Marcoses were under international scrutiny for abuses of power. I was told that Sulping's story made it to Time. An American correspondent was sent to the house to interview the man who stood up to a Marcos. He left Sulping with instructions to the effect that if his life would ever be in danger because of the article, he was to give him a call so he could fly him and his family to the U.S. and give them political asylum.

For a long time, his family thought these were all there was to Sulping's quests. Until about two years ago, when his diabetes advanced. During episodes, he would be reduced to an 80-year-old child who cried and laughed and who talked unintelligibly. And then one day he just cried and, in between sobs, said he wished God would forgive him for all the Japanese he had slain. We would ask him about the Japanese during his lucid intervals, but each time he would ball up in tears and refuse to talk.

It was the last piece of the puzzle that was Sulping. It was then that I realized what made him, shaped him, and emboldened him. He was a diamond perfected and toughened from the rough.

But the hard man don't live here anymore. In his place is a frightened child who looks to Rosa to keep the monsters away from under his bed. At the same time, he is a tired old man who is almost about to give up.

Meanwhile, we, who love him dearly, are holding on to him, and praying for another lease on a life lived well and fully.

How to get rid of excess baggage

I have always been the type that finds it difficult to let go--of people, memories, and things, most especially. I bring a lot of baggage along (so BF always says, although always in a slightly different context).

The result: every square inch of the earth's surface that I have ever been on, I have left piled up with things--all sorts of things--at one point or more, or even forever. I want to show you what I mean.



This is a snap shot of one corner of my workstation back when I was still there full-time. (Those who know me know that I've been trying to limit my trips to the office to twice a week--max!) If this were a panoramic shot, you'd see that there is thrice as much mess. "I work better when I'm in the midst of rubbish," is the excuse that I always give. And there's always the "I haven't even had the time to come up for air so you can't expect me to have time to clean up" alibi.

Maybe there's some truth in these excuses. But mostly, I simply find it a lot easier to manage five clients at a time than to make sure the mess doesn't pile up. It takes a lot of effort for me to monitor the piles of paper, much more to keep them to a maximum height of an inch or two. Besides, it's mentally exhausting to sort out the ones that you still need from the ones that you still might need in the future, from those that someone else might need, from those that you can throw away.

Ask my mom, and she would tell you that when she would drop by my former office, she would be compelled to clean up my desk because she just couldn't stand the sight of it and because she thought no human being should be suffered to work in such a dismal environment. 

"And what about the two-day-old fries that we found underneath the papers?" I can almost hear Anne ask.

To that, I'd say: "I haven't even had the time to come up for air so you can't expect me to have time to finish my fries, or remember that I didn't finish them pala!"

Today, I made my momma proud.

Blame it on that 5S chorvah, or blame it on their threat of throwing all my work belongings into the incinerator. On a Tuesday afternoon (despite the fact that ed board was moved to Wed), I had to rush to the office to claim my important stuff, and throw the rest that I think I could live without. In the process, I found that the easiest way to do it is to sort them out into two piles only: 1) those that I want to keep, and 2) those that I don't. At the end of the exercise, I was able to salvage two boxes, one basket, one paperbag and one bag of the things I thought I would miss; and one full pushcart of the things I didn't want. Oh, and I kept the recyclable bond papers and placed them in the pile next to the printer din!

So this is how my workstation now looks...

 
Now I just need to remember to work somewhere else whenever I come by. 

A requiem for Kiko Rustia


Photo courtesy of http://www.survivorphilippines.tv

I am still in shock as I write this.

Jologs kung jologs but I like watching Survivor Philippines for reasons that I have not yet thought about. I have never been so affected by tribal council until tonight. I hope the castaways who betrayed Kiko are seeing how stupid they are now for being duped by Marlon, who is nothing but a big, fat, useless, good-for-nothing liar. Nothing could be more stupid than falling for such a trap crudely set up by an obviously incompetent pig who knows he can't win any challenge and so he has to resort to scheming.

Over the weekend, while counting down the days to revelation night (remember how Paolo cut off last Friday's episode right before the last ballot was supposed to be read?), BF and I had extensively discussed the permutations, combinations and consequences.

First off, the obvious fact then was that it was a fight against Marlon and Kiko.

If Kiko were to be voted off, it would have to take two Naak members conspiring with the three Jarakay members to muster the required number. If they are successful, all alliances will be broken, and each castaway will have to fend for themselves to make it through every tribal council.

If, on the other hand, the Naak members are sensible enough to stick to the plan, they are assured that they will not be voted off until the last of the Jarakay members is gone. After which, it will be every castaway's game, which is fair enough, I think. 

This means that the traitors would have had a better chance (one out of six as opposed to one out of eight) of becoming sole survivor had they stuck to the plan.

But they are stupid. And what can you expect of stupid people?

Anyways, the die is cast, and Kiko moves on from the camp to the jury, leaving only Nanay Zita and JC as the only morally upright and worth-watching castaways in the show. (The others, especially Kaye, Chris, and Marlon make me want to throw up.)

For Kiko, life probably has better things in store for you, as with Mommy Zita and JC (who, I read somewhere will eventually become sole survivor.)

For Marlon, Kaye and Chris, be careful when you go out tomorrow. I'm pretty sure the taongbayan are aching to get their hands on you. For Marlon, this wish is especially for you: I hope you have nothing but my wrath to eat for the rest of your life.

Para sa ating lahat, a lesson learned: Nothing is what it seems.

Overdrive

Five years of living at breakneck speed has totally altered my life-pace (if there's such a word). Now I find it really hard to slow down or stop for a moment when all around me, things are screaming, demanding to be done.

I learned life's greatest irony several years ago atop Mt. Tarak, from an old climber I didn't know. He said, this is the reason why you should never hope to ever be able to do what your heart desires: When you are young, you have all the time and energy, but none of the money to spend on your passion. When you start working, you get all the money, with the energy still, but you lose the time. When you retire, you have all the time, the money, but none of the energy that you used to have.

Today, I do not have the time to do what I should rather be doing (e.g. going on a beach or mountain retreat). Neither do I have the energy left because my obligations do a great job of sapping out my strength. And most pathetic of all, no moolah to spend on luxuries, no matter how crucial they are to my sanity.

So this is why I'm here. I hope to keep this blog as my nightcap of sorts. A signal to myself that it's time to account for what has been gained and lost today. A cue for my tired soul that it's time to take a much-deserved rest, far from the maddening world.

Right here is where nothingness begins.